el-p // the overly dramatic truth
I became for you what you had asked
I never wanted anything other than what I didn’t have.
I was raised to believe, as an adult, that I am consistently high-strung, difficult to please, unreasonable and demanding. As a result, I have a problem determining when I’m being mistreated. I never assume I should be expecting more, I always wonder if I end up feeling slighted because I was unrealistic in my expectations. I indulge other people’s selfishness to risk exposing my own.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who struggles so much with being the person other people expect me to be while still being myself. I wonder if there is room for people to grow and become better within relationships, or if the relationships I made were made out of necessity at the time and were grown based on my need, my inadequacy, my ability to let other people reflect me back onto them in the way that they wanted. I don’t want to be the kind of person who lets the people in her life become her mirror, but I don’t want to lose the relationships I formed when I needed those people to show me how to change.
I always concurrently wonder if I’m expecting too much, but really I just wonder why most people don’t expect more. Not more things; more to think about, more to laugh at, more to do.