It’s hard to watch this year’s women’s gymnastics team without missing my dream bff just a little. The way she evil-eyed those Chinese five-year olds made me feel like we could have an understanding. Like, I want to have a beer and talk some shit with this girl.

This girl trains with her and also kind of looks like her, and used the Hava Nagila as her floor exercise music, which is a decision I really appreciate, but there’s only room in my heart for one Alicia Sacramone.

oh-ew:

I want to be friends with Alicia Sacramone. That’s what the Olympics has taught me, other than the fact that the Chinese are willing to descreate the sanctity of world unity in order to win gold medals. On a more positive note, she is exactly the kind of friend I want - tough, loyal, obviously hilarious (as evidenced by this picture and by the fact that she got PISSED on camera) smart, cute, and clearly confident. She’s actually a real person, unlike any of the Chinese gymnasts, and she weighs like twice as much as some of the girls she competed against, which I think is pretty raw. She worked twice as hard as those little half people, and she was pretty much the only one who knew it. I love her. Alicia, if you’re looking for friends for some reason, call me.

I definitely have more money and shit, but that’s all virtual stuff. I’ve been making music for a while. And I could read about myself on the Internet for a while.

-Azealia Banks in GQ.

One of the greatest ways in which I flatter myself is in imagining the imagining of which famous people might want to be friends with me.

Discovering that Nicki Minaj and Snooki were excitedly whispering about meeting each other and nervously confessing their love for each other backstage at the VMA’s is somewhat like finding out that my slightly crazy artsy best friend from college gets along with my slightly crazy party girl best friend from high school.

They shared their secret crushes:

“Did you know that I’m obsessed with her?” Nicki said.

Countered Snooki, “I’m obsessed with Nicki!”

And traded compliments on each others’ impressive hairdos:

“I mean I’m jealous!”

“OK, whatever! I wanted you to wear your pouf today so we could be matching.”

“I did,” confessed Snooki, “but it deflated from the heat, you know what I mean?”

And I really, really wish I could have been there to give each of their poufs affectionate squeezes.

Biggest disappointment of 2010? No, it wasn’t the fact that I didn’t go on a single date the entire year, or that my brother spent a little less than half the year in Russia, or that 4 Loko is now illegal. No, in fact, the biggest disappointment of 2010 was Snooki’s underwhelming use of her new tumblr. The fact that my spirit animal made only ONE POST to her much-anticipated account was really a striking blow for me, who had imagined our tumblr interactions would be so successful that we’d soon be hanging out together in Miami, drinking the best kind of margaritas ever and talking shit about fake bitches who hate on our success.

NOW THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. This is so disappointing.