Where do you guys get your shorts? I can wear shorts to work now, which is an actualization of my worst nightmare, so everyone’s going to know how fat I think I am if I don’t do it. I generally wear between a 4 and a 6, depending on whether or not I’m wearing juniors or womens sizes, but I also have to size up between one and two sizes in shorts because my thighs are about the size of all of my other body parts combined. They can completely gobble up a pair of normal-sized shorts and make them appear as if they were made for ants.

Therefore, most of the shorts I have are far too explicit for work, as they could possibly be confused for swimsuit bottoms. I wear them in public because I refuse to wear khaki sorts or bermuda shorts or any other such monstrosity constructed specifically to make me appear as if I’ve already been married in a nice Methodist ceremony to my high school boyfriend and have forgotten how to exercise or shop at a place that is not Ann Taylor LOFT since the incident. I’m not saying one thing is better or worse, I’m just stating which I prefer.

Basically, I’m desperate. I’ll do anything. It’s hard to visualize or imagine how large my thighs are, especially when considering that I’m an otherwise fairly normal-sized person. I do not want to have to size up incredibly, because I have a feeble sense of self-worth that I’ve tied to the number in my pants. Help me.

Are these hideous? Will I look like I’m having a baby from my butt?